Southern California Blows

[Denver Josh]

EDITORS NOTE NOTE:  Okay, Full Disclosure-  I was commissioned to write this piece for a new magazine owned by the Denver Newspaper Authority and I thought some on the forum might enjoy it.  Yeah, It's flowery gonzo at its worst, but its an honest take on what its like to live in SoCal (....and the editors certainly liked it...).  I'd tell anybody who is contemplating the move to do it and find out for themselves, but here's my experience which could be valuable to many others. 

"Many reasons could cause a perfectly healthy kid to subject himself to the crudest of all environments with a passion such as I had, and all but few would border on the sane.  You see, if you take a "free thinker", tie him up with team sports and shopping malls, and then subject him to an absurdly homogenous student body that was Pick'a Midwestern State University, you will breed one of three though processes...."

Here's to you Tosspot - I like big words too! 
-----


SoCal Fucking Blows.

Track #13 on Eagles of Death Metal "Peace Love Death Metal" states "Got this girlfriend and she's a swinger, we make plans, and then we head out - to San Bernardino."  The song's called "San Berdoo Sunburn", and I first heard those lyrics on the radio while I was driving by a cell phone tower that looks like a palm tree on top of a 7-11.

1311 Kendall Drive - check that shit out.

San Berdoo breaks a lonely stretch of Hwy 15 west from Las Vegas to the greater southern California region.  From the top of the valley that opens up after you exit the doldrums of the high desert, San Berdoo greats you as the "Gateway to the Armpit of the World." Literally.

On a day it happens to be "Un-Smoggy" in San Berdoo, the Korean guy at your local AMPM still won't be able to muster enough energy to recite your total, or count your change.  It sucks that bad there.  Just don't get caught staring at his absurdly long pinkie-fingernail, because you don't want to know what he uses it for.  You just really don't.

Luckily for him, San Berdoo receives an average of only 4 "Un-Smoggy" days a year - even in a leap year. Its the kinda' place where you'd like to drag (complaining and gossiping) every SUV driving safety mom from Castle Rock and say, "Look...THAT'S WHY you're a dumb bitch!" 

4 days total with blue skies - but it never rains. 
Fucking. Whores.

N.E. Way-

I had the fortunate pleasure of moving to the lovely San Bernardino, California "Inland Empire" on September 12th, 2001.  At the last minute, my motherfuckn' flight got canceled, so moving became a 26 hour, one-way road trip (I had few possessions at the time).  Highlights during "The Drive" on Interstates 13, 44, 40, and 15 from the Heartland to San Berdoo include red tinted asphalt around Oklahoma City, free supermarket tabloids at the Albuquerque La Quinta, and a "You've got to be fucking kidding me..." traffic jam 8 miles west of the California/ Nevada border (...beyond desolate) for a check point during a routine "produce" search.

Driving alone for long periods can bring about any sort of interjected reflection that could cause one to reminisce on stupid mistakes, or stupid mistakes narrowly missed.  For a certain percentage of each, perception of one's predicament and surroundings determine a mistake, from a blessing.  And while the lines are never so distinct as positive or negative, up or down, good or bad - perception remains a choice throughout.

During hour 6 of my extended choice to tackle perceptions- I decided to stop in a lonely Nowhere's Ville town like any other - a "no services for the next 43 miles" kinda place.  After filling the gas tank like any good American should, I entered the shoebox sized Quick-E-Pump and noticed a country-bro in his mid twenties wearing a stained white t-shirt and sporting an ever-so-popular "rural themed" hairstyle sitting on the glass lotto case.

Our subject, or as I named him - Duffy McCrack, hopped of his perch and began to follow me at an unreasonably close distance from the entrance, past the nachos, to the frosty drinks (where I almost smacked him with the cooler door as he snuck up on me), and back to the cash wrap where he was chatting with the clerk when I walked in.  Regardless of the fact that he didn't seem to hold down a job at this particular Quick-E-Pump (/ anywhere?), Duffy exhibited fine command of the store, and it was apparent that I was the last weary traveler he had seen in a good hour and a half.

Duffy's creepy behavior, combined with loud breathing inside my personal bubble, led me to believe a shank was aimed directly at each kidney, and the torturous banjo players of Deliverance were waiting in the adjacent field behind the giant propane cylinders.  As I was paying for my new 20oz Squirt, Duffy crooned his head toward me at an angle only indicative of requested communication.  After I acknowledged him with raised eyebrow and a "what exactly the motherfuckingfuck can I help you with?" stare, Duffy composed himself during a painfully awkward pause for though completion, then belched out this classic:

"...you...(blink)...YOU got TWO earrings, CAT?!"

Sensing he needed assurance that his eyes in fact were not deceiving him, I offered back an absurdly slow nod and a simple, yet effective, "...Yyyyyuuuup....". Willfully pleased as Duffy was, ("Gorsh, I's a tells ya! Yousa' never knows what dem big city travelereses ises up to. h-YuCK!  A man with pierced ears....a'll Be skinned alive blah blah blah....), I left the Quick-E-Pump and the rest of Texas in my proverbial dust and continued west for the Pacific Ocean.

Well, almost to the Pacific. 

You see, San Bernardino sits about 50 miles due east of Newport Beach.  The "Inland Empire" thing I touched on earlier- yeah, I didn't make that up.  Pick a spot between L.A. and San Diego, add some elevation, and back that fucker all the way up the to the foothills of the Sierra Nevadas.  Bam!  San Berdoo; queen shitter of SoCal's Inland Empire.  And mind you, I was dying to finally move there.

Many reasons could cause a perfectly healthy kid to subject himself to the crudest of all environments with a passion such as I had, and all but few would border on the sane.  You see, if you take a "free thinker", tie him up with team sports and shopping malls, and then subject him to an absurdly homogenous student body that was Pick'a Midwestern State University, you will breed one of three though processes:  1.) "...I could potentially 'reach' a lot of idiots from the top of that clock tower..." , 2.)  "I am going to start a band, we're going to create a new genera of music where we play emotional heavy metal; bitch about suburbia and girls who broke up with us and sell a bunch of records", or 3.) "Oh fuck this, NO I don't think the new ring tones on your cell phone make you more interesting! Jesus oh fucking Latter Day Saints Christ! I need to move to where the other "free thinkers" are!  California, right?!  Get me outta' here!". 

Yeah, California!  America's playground or some shit!  People there are progressive, motivated, care about the world, adventurous, cantankerous, "outdoorsy"... and there's surfing!  I should move there and meet some new people who will teach me new things!  Go west young man!

However, I found zilch of the intelligent contingent and droves of people who lived 20 minutes from the beach but hadn't been in five years, or people who thought there was no reason to ever travel east of Las Vegas, and still- people who believed in their heads that San Bernardino was the center of the universe!!!  My perceptions of unfounded dreams led to many a frustrated days.

Argg!
Get a life!
Read a book!
I'm not your fucking bra'!
Corona and Redlands are not cool!
You don't even need 4wheel drive here!
What the fuck is Rancho Cucamonga?
You're 5'5" and drive an 8' tall truck-
Compensating much?!
No espanol!
Customer service, please!
Yes, it smells like a 1983 Buick catalytic converter here!
Craig Kilborn IS a prick!
-and will somebody please stop pouring concrete!
The world can only use so many Petsmarts for Christ's sake!

Officially, I had bought into the myth that is "California", and now, when I think of my time in San Berdoo, I pray for more forest fires, mudslides, and California state-line earthquakes.  Bring that fucker down. 

Wait, but NorCal's cool!  NorCal can stay after the apocalyptic-falling-off-into-the-ocean earthquake.  I don't have a problem with NorCal, but I didn't move to NorCal- I moved to SoCal, for 11 months, with visions of surfing and snowboarding in the same day (which I did), and a quest for something, that stereotypical Mid Western/ coming of age/ bullshit quest for something larger than one's self - something to be excited about -  some new place with new people to call a new home.

  I lived in San Bernardino for 11 months, and the only exciting thought I can muster about that region which is purported (through urban legend) to be everything to everyone is that I would never move back. Looking inward to my perceptions concerning my whole jaunt in SoCal, I continue thinking, "What the fuck was I doing there? Oh yeah, finding shit out.  I found out....that place fucking sucks."

Glad I went.

[KCK]

Im sorry, but this is very difficult to read. What are you trying to say?

[Denver Josh]

Its difficult to read from a "giveme' the facts kinda perspective" - but if you pretend you just saw this in The Pitch it might read a little easier.

[KCK]

I'm sorry, but I very rarely read the Pitch (journalistic garbage). Please explain in terms that humans can understand what you are trying to say.

[chrizow]

haha.  dude, it's creative non-fiction, simply giving DJ's impressions of SoCal.  a city trip report doesn't have to be boring or formulaic.

[Denver Josh]

Hey Sweet - thanks Chiz.

[skim82]

I can relate to this topic in many ways.

I will agree with DenverJosh that the I.E., O.C. and L.A. is a smog trap.  Just look down below when you're taking off from Ontario International.  It almost makes you sick to know you were inhaling that stuff.

Concrete.  Oh yes.  Everywhere you look concrete.  Do People in KS and MO REALLY know about noise walls???  How about Noise Walls from LAX all the way to freaking Fontana in the I.E.  Geez.  All you can see is concrete.

A few things I would like to point out to kids who are thinking about moving to SoCaL compliments of me. (hopefully denverjosh will agree)

-Cali girls are not cute.  Seriously.  A day at Oak Park Mall is truly impressive.  Take my word for it, JoCo girls from Blue Valley, Shawnee Mission, are top notch.  I'm sure the Northland and East Jack can make their argument as well, but i don't know b/c I don't live there. 

-Learn Spanish, Korean, and Chinese.  Seriously.  I read a report recently that nearly a quarter of SoCal is Asian. I don't know the % of Hispanics, but Cali is def a melting pot.

-Cali people are not free-thinkers or learned.  I spent a half hour with a guy who called all his buddies.  We had a bet. Not one of his buddies knew what the Arch was.  The one kid that knew, only knew b/c of Nelly's Country Grammar video. 

-It doesn't matter if you say you're from Kansas or Kansas City.  They still think you live on a farm. 

-Las Vegas IS the East Coast to people from SoCal.

-It never rains in Cali, when it does, don't drive.  Road conditions tend to be very slick because of all the oil, dirt, etc. buildup on the roads.  It's like an ice rink because that stuff just bakes on the pavement until the rain comes. 

-The "Hollywood" sign in L.A. has graffiti on it.  I was very dissapointed.

-Rodeo drive sucks.

- People from Chino Hills do drive trucks with a 8' lift and think they're country. 

Just my two cents on this topic. 
I will say this however, the mountains are nice.  Flying into LAX on a clear night is one of the most beautiful sights you will ever see.  Cars in Cali are truly "tuned out" unlike the half-done ugly Hondas around KC.  There are nice people in Cali, but they REALLY don't care too much about sports. 

The most important thing to know is that it's not the PLACE, it's the PEOPLE that make where you live great. 

[Denver Josh]

Yeah Skim-

You're right on with all those points.  Rodeo DR is the WORST!  Didn't even think of that - and yeah, I'd stack the KC girls with any city in the country.  Go walk around MU or KU for a day and then go brag to Diamond Dave about his California Girls.

[Gladstoner]

Southern California is the ship graveyard of those lured by the siren song.

[Marreekarr]

Those referring to So Cal as some kind of wasteland couldn't have spent any time in San Diego, IMO.  Yes, LA is a smog ridden trap waiting to devour even the most hardened among us.  Yet Angelinos often look to their sister city to the south as a haven to get away from it all.

San Diego has some of the best beaches in the nation: Mission Beach, Pacific Beach, Blacks, Coronado.  And they are often LOADED with some of the finest college aged girls like one might find here on a Midwestern campus.

Both Old Town and the Gaslamp Quarter have Westport style charm with too many places to count for one to eat and drink the night away.

Also, check out Kansas City Barbecue in downtown San Diego.  It is often rated one of the best barbecue joints in California.

And it has SUN, not smog, SUN over 300 days out of the year.  LA can definitely be miserable but it doesn't represent all of So Cal by a longshot.

[chrizow]

there are parts of LA and SD that are just amazing.  i love Manhattan Beach, Malibu, Venice Beach, etc.  and as you say, the beaches in SD are the best, and Gaslamp is cool too.

but let's not make any mistakes here.  those gorgeous areas represent 2% of SD and LA.  the rest range from clean 50s suburban hell to dingy dirty barrios to McMansion hell inland. 

except for the beach and cliff hideaways, SoCal makes me physically ill.

[Highlander]

there are parts of LA and SD that are just amazing.  i love Manhattan Beach, Malibu, Venice Beach, etc.  and as you say, the beaches in SD are the best, and Gaslamp is cool too.

but let's not make any mistakes here.  those gorgeous areas represent 2% of SD and LA.  the rest range from clean 50s suburban hell to dingy dirty barrios to McMansion hell inland. 

except for the beach and cliff hideaways, SoCal makes me physically ill.

As I understand,  San Diego has does have beautiful beaches but a friend of mine who is a native says that the water is really cold there.  The water off LA is much shallower and hence warmer. 

[eliphar17]

I went to San Diego for a few days last spring. I really liked it. I was impressed by their new downtown baseball stadium, which is pretty big.

While I was there, it rained a little bit one afternoon, and I was amused by the weather person on the local news, who had to explain that the yellow spot on the radar was heavy rain.

[nota]

I too love San Diego. Wouldn't want to live there-too much a Nanny State as well as far too crowded, but it is great to visit.

k

[moderne]

       In the L.A. basin  check out older less intense areas like Pasadena and its old town, Eagle Rock, and Glendale.  You still can find the gracious breezey mediterranean lifestyle

[Big Red Storm]

As I understand,  San Diego has does have beautiful beaches but a friend of mine who is a native says that the water is really cold there.   The water off LA is much shallower and hence warmer. 

I don't know, when I went to LA when I was younger the water was really cold.  I could hardly even stay in the water because it was so cold.  Actually, techniquely it was the beaches off Catalina Island, which is a little ways away from LA.  I would figure they are pretty much the same though.

[DanCa]

Loved the post, DJ!  OK, here's the dirt from a KC native who's spent a total of 12 years in the LA Basin.  Regarding the water, there's a sort of gulf stream in the Pacific that flows up from Asia to Alaska where it's cooled and then down the Pacific Coast.  That's why the water only gets up to about 72° in the summer.  But that cool water also prevents hurricanes (CA didn't need any more natural disasters!) and keeps the humidity down so I see it as a good thing. 

Regarding San Berdoodoo, I totally agree.  I went to Cal State for a couple years there and what a pit!  The onshore flow pushes all the pollution from L.A. east until it hits those huge mountains.  They have the worst air in the country.  People in L.A. and Orange County make fun of the Inland Empire and really can't stand it.  People here tell "909" jokes (The IE's area code) like it's rural Georgia. 

The population here is a majority of minorities, Hispanic being the largest group.  I have neighbors who can't even say "Hello" in English even though they've been in the country for ten years and their kids speak it.  Luckily I speak Spanish, but more and more people get by and have jobs without speaking English.  I've enjoyed getting to know more Asian people as well as Middle Eastern and enjoy the huge diversity in restaurants. 

Big trucks.  I hate 'em!  Daily I encounter jacked up trucks where their bumper is level with my face as I sit in my car.  Intant decapitation in a wreck.  The same guy drives them all.  Chubby, in his 20s or 30s, goatee, backwards ball cap, tattoos, small penis and generally a jerk.  Big SUVs.  I hate those too.  Many are jacked up and the typical driver is a petite, white woman with a cell phone attached to her face and one kid in back.  She has to pull herself up to get in, strain to lift her kid out and hauls things like one book bag and a soccer ball in the back.  She also tends to back over cart coralls at the grocery store because she can't see what she's doing.

My main reason for wanting to leave is that it's just too damned crowded.  I've had it with sitting in traffic, fighting for parking and having ten people living in the two bedroom condo above me.  We rarely stray more than a couple miles from home on weekends because rush hour is every hour and there is no decent transportation alternative to cars.  Home prices are beyond outrageous and the only way to win the equity game is to take the equity and run to a more reasonable housing market out of state. 

Things I like?  The weather, of course.  It's near perfect.  There are beautiful beaches and scenery here, if you don't mind sitting in traffic for an hour for the ten mile drive to the beach.  I love Santa Monica, West L.A., Silverlake, Venice, Palisades, San Diego, Laguna Beach and smoke-free restaurants.  We'd have moved to San Diego in a heartbeat rather than Denver if housing were reasonable there.  I generally like the political climate of California overall (Nanny State?  Hardly!) and the fact that our relationship is legally recognized here.  But we'll be in a more progressive city and neighborhood in Denver and will leave our conservative, Bible-beating neighbors of the O.C. behind.  L.A. is many things to many people and my conclusion is that if you have the right job, live in the right area and have the right friends, it can be a great place to live.  But those people are probably in the minority.

[KC0KEK]

People in L.A. and Orange County make fun of the Inland Empire and really can't stand it.  People here tell "909" jokes (The IE's area code) like it's rural Georgia. 

Similar deal back East: Manhattanites looked down their noses at Long Islanders and Jersey people -- the bridge-and-tunnel crowd. LIers treated Jersey as if it were the Poland of America: an endless source of jokes that could always be plumbed to new depths. Everyone considered upstate NYers to be hillbillies.

[DanCa]

It's the real estate food chain!

[Thrillcekr]

I lived in SoCal for 5 years and I have tons of relatives all up and down the state so I've covered it all many times and let me tell you that I wouldn't whip out my **** and piss on LA if it were on fire.  San Diego is awesome though and I also enjoyed spending time at Laguna Beach.  Those are the only parts of SoCal worth saving.  The rest of it would be better off at the bottom of the ocean.