Mark Funkhouser, having advanced to the general election as a mayoral candidate, was surprised to hear what was apparently some kind of campaign song while auto-seeking through radio stations as he drove home from the grocery store yesterday. “It was a very hip and urban,” Funkhouser said in an interview, “but I was pretty sure we hadn’t commissioned a campaign song.” Just to be sure, he asked his wife, Gloria, who manages the candidate’s campaign.
“I haven’t talked to anybody about creating a song,” Mrs. Squitiro said. “This is a bit peculiar, we are trying very hard to find the source of the song so we can ensure that the artist is not violating campaign law.”
The song, which Funkhouser describes as “A very catchy, hip, urban, modern tune, almost like an evolution of that ‘hip hop’ stuff,” apparently contains the following refrain:
We want the Funk, give us the Funk
We want the Funk, gotta have that Funk
According to Funkhouser, the song refers to “tear(ing) the roof off the mother, sucker,” which is indicative of Funkhouser’s attitude toward implementing drastic change at City Hall. The song also states that, “we gonna turn this mother out,” apparently in reference to outgoing mayor Kay Barnes.
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KANSAS CITY, MO - In the vanguard of many promised changes to funding sources and infrastructure of Kansas City, mayoral hopeful Mark Funkhouser unveiled his first point of policy, should he capture the popular vote on March 27th. He proposes to completely close off downtown.
Funkhouser called the proposal, “prudent,” in a brief campaign press conference held Tuesday night at the Westport Flea Market in Kansas City.
“Seeing as how I oppose tax-increment financing in any form, I can see no more effective solution to our problems than stemming the flow at its most expensive point: Downtown Kansas City.”
Opposition has made itself known very quickly. The Kansas City Private Alliance for Public Funds(KCPAPF) has issued an incendiary statement to Funkhouser’s campaign, and to the community at large.
“Mister Funkhouser was a ravenous city auditor, but his proposal to take the publicly-funded food right out of our mouths will not stand.”
The statement, viewable in full on the website of the KCPAPF, cryptically went on to say, “Funkhouser will not be mayor for very long, if he is elected.”
Despite opposition, Funkhouser remains resolute in his promise. An avid opponent of progress and development, Funkhouser promises the elimination of all functioning elements inside the downtown loop within six months, through the use of minimal cost-containing measures. Chief among these measures is the permanent garrisoning of the Missouri National Guard’s elements of the 35th Infantry Division, into the proposed “no habitation zone.”
“These remarkable men and women in uniform will have standing orders to shoot on sight any interlopers that try to sneak into Downtown Kansas City with intent to perform any miscellaneous commerce,” Funkhouser said.
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With the Kansas City mayoral primary less than two weeks away, the candidates are putting their campaigns into high gear. Katheryn Shields is no exception, and I believe she has the skills and experience to lead Kansas City into the future. I caught up with Katheryn as she was leaving the courthouse after a preliminary hearing for her ongoing mortgage fraud case, and asked her whether she thought she had a chance to win.
“Absolutely,” she said. “Even if the fine citizens of the jury elect me to serve prison time for mortgage fraud, I believe the citizens of Kansas City should elect me to serve as mayor. Kansas City has never had a mayor serve a term from behind bars, and it is this kind of blatant discrimination that fragments and undermines our society.” The freedom-fighting environmentalist went on to compare her various entanglements with the FBI, including a 2005 near-indictment for bribery, as, “just like slavery and racism,” and herself as, “fighting for [her] freedom, like Kunta Kinte.”
“I have been the subject of numerous federal investigations,” Shields acknowledged, but maintains she has done nothing illegal. Her vision and leadership, coupled with her knack for stirring the ire of federal investigators, demonstrates beyond any doubt that Shields is the clear choice for mayor. “We all want Kansas City to be a prominent player on the national stage,” she said, “and I promise to make national headlines on a regular basis.”
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