Kansas City Rag

Campaign Song Excites Funkhouser

March 2nd, 2007 by Moe Casey

Mark Funkhouser, having advanced to the general election as a mayoral candidate, was surprised to hear what was apparently some kind of campaign song while auto-seeking through radio stations as he drove home from the grocery store yesterday. “It was a very hip and urban,” Funkhouser said in an interview, “but I was pretty sure we hadn’t commissioned a campaign song.” Just to be sure, he asked his wife, Gloria, who manages the candidate’s campaign.

“I haven’t talked to anybody about creating a song,” Mrs. Squitiro said. “This is a bit peculiar, we are trying very hard to find the source of the song so we can ensure that the artist is not violating campaign law.”

The song, which Funkhouser describes as “A very catchy, hip, urban, modern tune, almost like an evolution of that ‘hip hop’ stuff,” apparently contains the following refrain:

We want the Funk, give us the Funk
We want the Funk, gotta have that Funk

According to Funkhouser, the song refers to “tear(ing) the roof off the mother, sucker,” which is indicative of Funkhouser’s attitude toward implementing drastic change at City Hall. The song also states that, “we gonna turn this mother out,” apparently in reference to outgoing mayor Kay Barnes.

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Funkhouser Proposes Downtown Closure

March 1st, 2007 by Roger Reality

KANSAS CITY, MO - In the vanguard of many promised changes to funding sources and infrastructure of Kansas City, mayoral hopeful Mark Funkhouser unveiled his first point of policy, should he capture the popular vote on March 27th. He proposes to completely close off downtown.

Funkhouser called the proposal, “prudent,” in a brief campaign press conference held Tuesday night at the Westport Flea Market in Kansas City.

“Seeing as how I oppose tax-increment financing in any form, I can see no more effective solution to our problems than stemming the flow at its most expensive point: Downtown Kansas City.”

Opposition has made itself known very quickly. The Kansas City Private Alliance for Public Funds(KCPAPF) has issued an incendiary statement to Funkhouser’s campaign, and to the community at large.

“Mister Funkhouser was a ravenous city auditor, but his proposal to take the publicly-funded food right out of our mouths will not stand.”

The statement, viewable in full on the website of the KCPAPF, cryptically went on to say, “Funkhouser will not be mayor for very long, if he is elected.”

Despite opposition, Funkhouser remains resolute in his promise. An avid opponent of progress and development, Funkhouser promises the elimination of all functioning elements inside the downtown loop within six months, through the use of minimal cost-containing measures. Chief among these measures is the permanent garrisoning of the Missouri National Guard’s elements of the 35th Infantry Division, into the proposed “no habitation zone.”

“These remarkable men and women in uniform will have standing orders to shoot on sight any interlopers that try to sneak into Downtown Kansas City with intent to perform any miscellaneous commerce,” Funkhouser said.

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